When I get old...

For my whole life, same as most of you, it was always a matter of "When I get older..." I assumed "When I get older, I'll have a car/go to parties/have no curfew". Then it started to change "When I get older, I'll have a house/husband/dogs of my own"

I always assumed that if I ever lived long enough and made the choice to have children, my parents and in-laws would be doting grandparents, taking my kids for me on weekends away, watching them together at Disneyland and football games. I assumed that.

I always knew it was possible that I could die at any minute. I'm not stupid and I've always realized that. I've always remembered to be thankful for today. But somehow, while I realize and accept my mortality, I must have forgotten about my parents mortality. I knew I might never get to do things I wanted to do in life, but somehow it clouded my vision from realizing that at any minute, I could loose my parents.

Did I appreciate them less? Hell no. By reading this blog, I am sure most can realize how close I was to my parents. I appreciated them more than anything. They were my best friends and my guidance. I am one of those kids who do everything to make my parents proud and I loved to be that way.

But, I still didn't think that if I ever lived...it might be without one of my parents. I foolishly pictured my future being with them...maybe not picture perfect but I assumed they would always be there. I realized that one day they would get very old and pass away. But I didn't think it would happen before that.

Of course, there is nothing like a parent's death for one to realize their own mortality. I had a very good grasp on my mortality but my dad's passing has really shaken things up to a new height. My dad was 56. I'm 27.

When I get older...I just want to live.